Crashing waves

Some days it feels like I am standing on the beach getting hit by wave after wave.  This work is hard. The kids are hard, their pain is hard, the schedule is hard, the relationships are hard, this ministry is hard.  And once again, a wave hits.  Another couple I work with is moving on.  It is for the best, it really is. BUT it is hard. I am left picking up the pieces of my kids.  And it breaks my heart.  So in the course of the past six months the entire staff in one house has completely changed- TWICE, and now the second house I work in will have a new couple coming in.  The kids always ask the same question- "Are you leaving too, Miss Heidi?"  And my response is the same, "one day, but not today."  I dread the I too move on.  And with each person coming and going in their lives it makes me dig my heels in and stick it out another day.  

But, you know, in the midst of it all I am more sure than ever that I want to do this work.  It is hard, it is painful, frustrating, and makes me want to run away some days, but these kids need someone to be fighting for them. They need someone loving them.  And I am not the end, but I am the arms and feet of God who is loving them through me.  Most days, it isn't me that is loving them (honestly, some days I don't even really like them!) BUT He does.  And he knows exactly who they need and what they need.  

Lord, these children are yours.  Take care of them.  

His calling

When God called Abraham He said, “Leave your country, your people, and your father’s household and go to the land I will show you.” (Genesis 12:1).  When He tested Abraham, He simply told Abraham to “Take your son, your only son… and sacrifice him there…” (Genesis 22:2).  When He freed the Isrealites from Egypt He said, “I will bring you out from under the yoke of the Egyptians. I will free you from being slaves to them, and I will redeem you with an outstretched arm and with mighty acts of judgment.” (Genesis 6:6) When He called Joshua to lead the Isrealites into the land of Canaan He said, “Get ready to cross the Jordan River into the land I am about to give to them- to the Israelites.” (Joshua 1:2)  When God called Mary to mother Jesus He said, “You will be with child and give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus.” (Luke 1:31) When Jesus called His disciples, he simply said, “Follow me.” (Luke 5:10, 5:27)   

God never tells of HOW He is going to do something when He first calls individuals.  Rather, He simply commands us to follow His instructions.  He calls us to trust Him to provide the manna along the way, to open the seas, to give the sacrificial lamb.  So why is it that when things appear like they aren’t going to work out, I begin questioning His calling?  How many times have I prayed to be put in a place where I have to trust God to provide? But when I get into those times I waver and complain that He is not providing.  So many times this past couple of weeks I have stood at the edge of what I know and distrusted stepping out in faith that God will provide.  It is an ongoing lesson that I must learn.

 Lord, over and over and over again you show yourself faithful to provide.  You don’t show the whole path at once, but instead just ask for the next step.  It is so difficult to trust that you have everything taken care of, but you do!  You know where this trip to Mexico will lead, you know my next step and you are providing. This is such a little thing, this money to pay for this trip, and I was willing to step out even when it appeared like things wouldn’t fall into place.  You brought the call of Abraham to mind- “Leave and go to the land I will show you”.  Lord, I feel that call.  I don’t know where or how I will get there, but I trust you.  Show me… one step at a time!

Trust

What does this mean?  What does it look like?  How do I live it out?

Webster defines trust as: 

1   a : assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something

b : one in which confidence is placed

2

a : dependence on something future or contingent : hope

                                                    (http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/trust)

Trust means resting in the knowledge that God will meet all my needs.  It means not worrying, not being consumed by the thought that he will not provide.  It means going where he says.  But what if he calls you to go somewhere where it doesn’t APPEAR like he will take care of you?  What if all the signs say that he is not in the midst?  What if you go where he calls and it seems that he is not part of it?  What if the money does not come in? What if you have to lay your desires and whole life on the altar?  What if he waits until the last minute to show up?  Did I not want to be in that place?  The place that God has to show up?  How many times have I prayed for that?  But it is one thing to think you want it, to say you want to trust God completely, it is something else to DO it- to rely on him. 

Lord, overcome my unbelief.  I want to trust you.  I really do, but it is hard.  What if the money does not come in?  What if the refrigerator is empty?  What if you don’t show up? I keep thinking of the stories in the Old Testament, of when you told Abraham to put Isaac on the altar. Lord, it wasn't until the last possible minute that you showed up. Isaac was on the altar, knife in the air, and then you provided the lamb. Wow.  Lord, I know you can do all things- that you have a plan when I can’t see it, that you will provide when I don’t feel it.  I am afraid, Lord.  I struggle to trust you.  My faith is so small.  Lord, be bigger than my weakness.  Show your strength in spite of me.  

The Lighthouse

A lighthouse is a fortress built to withstand intense wind, waves and other forces of nature. It is a strong tower with a powerful light designed to guide lost sailors away from danger and to safe harbor.  It represents hope, safety, help, and shelter.  Lighthouse keepers are a different breed; they are strong, relentless, servants.  They put themselves in harm’s way to save others.

I am a lighthouse keeper. I withstand the storms of anger and share a light that guides others to safe harbor. I must be relentless when it comes to serving my kids.  It often feels like I am withstanding hurricanes of attack and this week was no exception.  This week a coworker of mine told our kids that he was leaving to take another job.  Tears started rolling down some cheeks. I knew it was going to be a long month as the kids dealt with this loss.   One of the kids asked if he could call me “mom”.  Another started crying when I went in to pray with him that night and asked me why everyone was leaving him.  And another called me all sorts of names and told me to just go ahead and leave since everyone else was.  He wasn’t ever able to open up and say that he was afraid I would leave; instead, he wanted to make me leave by being a jerk.  These boys I work with- most of them are new, it is their first houseparent to leave.  They don’t know how to react- so their pain reveals itself in angry storms of emotions.

So I stand firm. I withstand the battering of name-calling. I offer hugs and tissues to the tears that flow. I continue to shine the light towards the safety of the ROCK. I point the kids to the one who will never leave or forsake them. And I continue to hold fast to my own fortress.  I will seek my Strong Tower, for He provides the strength to get up another day.   

Lord, these days are tough.   But You have a plan.  Father, show yourself true. Guide these precious children to your safe harbor.  Be my strong tower as I try to do what you called me to do.  Shine brightly through me.  Open the doors for conversations about you.  Open the hearts of these kids to see you.  Please be my strength for the attacks of anger.  Overflow my heart with your grace and love for these kids. Give me the resilience to get up another day and serve you. Thank you, Lord, for setting me apart for this job.  Lord, you are precious. I love you! 

Plans

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD.  Plans to prosper you and not to harm you.  Plans to give you hope and a future."   Jeremiah 29:11

As I said earlier, the past couple months have really been difficult.  I've been questioning this calling God has put on my heart to love orphans.  And he has gently reminded me over and over that HE HAS A PLAN!  Not only a plan, an AMAZING plan.  One that does not end here.  It does not stop because I've finished my commitment with at this job.  Instead, he has something more for me.  I wish I knew what it was at this moment.  It feels like I am stumbling around in the dark, trying to figure out what is next.  But it isn't about what is next, it is about what is right now.  The kid that is walking in the door in tears because she had a rough day and the little boy I tuck in at night and pray with because he has bad dreams.  It is so easy to lose sight on what is in front of me because I am so busy figuring out what is next!  So, I'm trusting God, one day at a time. It is hard, especially when the days are long and the people around me are not so nice.

Beginnings

When I was driving out to Texas I was a nervous wreck.  God had called me to move to a place where I knew no one, to a work that was difficult and often lonely.  I was scared.  He took me to Joshua 1:9 and reminded me of a promise he made to those he called out of their homes to adventure.

            “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous.  Do not be terrified; do not be                       discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."

It is here that I return when I doubt his plan. I am reminded over and over again that he has an AMAZING plan for me.  One that is full of adventure.  It takes me to the edge of all I know and pushes me to trust HIM alone. This is often a scary place to be.  It is not comfortable, easy, or pretty.  It is painful, but beautiful.  The risk is worth it!

When I came to Texas I was full of myself.  I thought I would change the world.  And I learned very quickly that the calling God had put on my heart to love the orphans, was painful.  These kids have been abandoned by the ones they love. There is little left in their heart to love someone else.  It is not an easy fix.  Loving them meant getting down in the mess of their lives and withstanding their anger.  It meant waiting through the months, years of their resistance, to tell them that they are LOVED, and having them actually believe it.  This work is like planting seeds in hard dirt, watering and working that dirt until God softens it.  It has taught me of the RELENTLESS love God has for me.  It is unconditional. It defies the status quo.  And I now truly understand what it means when Jesus talks about leaving the many for the sake of the one!  It is in those moments when we leave everything else and pursue that one unlovable, defiant one that God’s grace is shown most clearly.    

So, I sit here, wanting to share the story of God’s plan for my life.  That is the purpose of this blog: to tell the story of God in my life.   It is a reminder to you and to me that this journey is indeed worth it.  Those late nights, lonely days and all the moments in between are worth that one conversation when I can share God’s love with my kiddo.  So my response to God’s promise-

          “Whatever you have commanded me I will do, and wherever you send me I will go."

                                                                                                                -Joshua 1:16